


Lost in Longing

by xbluemist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hogwarts, M/M, Pining, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 06:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10916667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xbluemist/pseuds/xbluemist
Summary: When one has feelings and the other one is his best friend...





	Lost in Longing

If it was possible for love to hurt so much that it caused a physical pain, Albus knew that feeling all too well. 

Albus and Scorpius were always... a bit different in comparison to the rest of the people at their age. They've been best friends for nearly five years now and things that had been going on between them weren't of the typical friendship- the fact that everyone seemed to have noticed a long time ago.

And as time goes by and people change, Albus and Scorpius have changed also.

One of the things that have changed in their friendship was the role that Scorpius was playing in it for Al. Before, he was just Al's best friend- as well as Al was his. Now, however, whereas Scorpius was still Albus' best friend, he also became the reason of Al's emotional issues- in other words, Al had fallen head-over-heels in love with his best friend; which from many of his current inner troubles have ensued.

When did it start? Al didn't know. It felt blurry to him whenever he thought about it- and he's been doing that a lot lately. Yet the more he was thinking, the more confused he was becoming. But he knew one thing: the way he was looking at his best friend had changed significantly. And there wasn't anything to be happy about.

Now anytime he looked at his best friend, he felt an obnoxious sting of guilt somewhere in his chest that caused him to have troubles to behave like a normal teenage boy would around his friend. Whenever he was close to Scorpius, he started to feel unbearably self-conscious and the feeling as if all his moves were scrutinized by everyone that was around him was keeping him exhaustingly uptight. After a good few months of suffering from being madly in love with his best friend, Al was thoroughly fed up with his life. 

Or, well, maybe not thoroughly: he still did have hope. But hope for what- he wasn't sure. Maybe for his feelings to eventually burn out... He could then still happily have Scorpius in his life and wouldn't have to wake up everyday with the feeling as if he kept lying to the most important person in his life. He and Scorpius could go through life together, as best friends, and still have each other, even if they also decided at some point to find themselves girlfriends and, eventually, start a family. 

Or, at least, Scorpius could do that; for Albus the mere perspective or having to spend the rest of his life with a girl was a total abstraction. He knew that no girl could ignite the kind of feelings in him that Scorpius did. He knew he couldn't be truly happy with a girl. And he knew he couldn't live happily with the awareness that his best friend- currently the boy he was head-over-heels in love with- had made a life with someone that wasn't him, no matter whether it would be a boy or a girl.

He felt so protective about Scorpius, but sometimes it would struck him that his so called 'protectiveness' could actually be nothing else but possessiveness. He was thinking only of himself. He was selfish, he had realised. Or wasn't he? Well, looking more deeply into the subject- probably yes, he was very selfish indeed. He wanted his friend to be happy- he always wished all the best for him- yet if it meant that he wasn't going to be involved in whatever was going on in Scorpius' life, he felt rejected, useless and even betrayed. He simply couldn't imagine himself not being a part of Scorpius' life, as well as he couldn't imagine Scorpius not being a part of his own life. Actually, Scorpius wasn't for him just 'a part of his life'- he was so much more than that. The problem was, recently Albus came to a realisation that the meaning the boy held in his life was actually much greater now than it used to be. Before, they were friends. Best friends, each other's only friends- but still, just friends. Recently, however, it turned out that Scorpius became someone much more than a friend to Al.

The mere fact that they were always friends somehow wasn't helping the situation at all- worse still, it was making the things between them even more awkward.

The other thing being an obstacle for Al in his hopes for him and Scorpius to end up together was that Al was a boy. And Scorpius haven't ever shown even tiniest interest in boys. Well, in girls either (besides his little crush on Al's cousin, Rose; but that had faded away quite abruptly after the famous incident with the ball back in their fourth year- and oh, how much was Al relieved about that; though he would never admit it to anyone), but still, he was probably young enough to have his romantic explorations yet to come. One thing Al was still sure about: it wouldn't be him with whom Scorpius would live happily ever after. It would certainly be some bloody girl that Scorpius would fall for, marry and have a bunch of pretty Malfoy babies with. Yes, that would be what was right for him. He and Al could at most stay friends. 

Unless Al would accidentally ruin everything...

That was what was consuming Al as he was sitting on Scorpius' bed, watching the blond that was laying on Al's own. The boy was just in front of him (nothing new, whatsoever), sprawled on his back with his eyes closed and his arms tucked underneath his head, and he was so temptingly open for Al, so easy for him to pounce on the blond and have him wholly surrendered to Al... Scorpius was so bloody gorgeous and sweet and alluring- all that so effortlessly- and all Al wanted to do to him was give him as much pleasure as he could, make him drown in ecstasy, in purest bliss, cause he felt like he was the only one that knew Scorpius well enough to be able to make him feel all of this. Not any other boy nor a girl- just him. He was Scorpius' best friend; he knew so much about him; he cared about him deeply and would never do anything to hurt him. If Scorpius would be hurt, Albus would be also- that's just the way it was with them.

Maybe that was why Scorpius seemed so distant and dreary recently... Maybe he's just been feeling what Albus has...  
If it was the case, all the more Al could hate himself for his feelings.  
The whole situation looked like some vicious circle- and this way, they didn't seem to be able to last long. Eventually, something had to happen, one of them had to burst.  
Al suspected it was going to be him.

So many times already he had surrendered to his desire- in solitude, where noone could blame him for his heart's choices and momentary weaknesses- and each time he was going to let his longing overtake him again, he felt like he was drowning more and more, suffocating with the unfulfillable desire; and then later he couldn't look at his best friend and not think of himself as a rotten fruit on the formerly beautiful and healthy little tree of their friendship.  
He couldn't simply throw away the memories of the images that were running through his mind as he had been indulging to his aching need; and every time he looked at his best friend, he saw those images, sometimes so vivid... making it unbearably hard for him to keep up appearances that everything between them was just fine.  
He was aware Scorpius knew very well that he wasn't fine at all.

His friendship with Scorpius became a series of trials- how much was he gonna withstand? How long is it going to take him to fall, to collapse under the weight of his feelings?

Al sighed heavily; the feelings for his best friend were really killing him. He have had a truly hard time trying to keep his desire under enough control for him not to suddenly break and throw himself at the blond.  
However stupid or immature that was, situations like that were a true challenge for his willpower, quite as if the world just waited for him to surrender to his feelings and reach for the forbidden fruit. Oh, how unbearably strong was his thirst to taste that ambrosia, how much it was tempting him... He could only find a relief in the world of his fantasies, where there was no such thing like a forbidden fruit, a sinful lust, or guilt for having sexual attraction towards his best friend. He wanted the boy so much, but he knew he could never get what his heart wanted; it would always be out of his reach.

Every time he looked at Scorpius, he knew his eyes betrayed his wicked desires; so he had decided he would never look into those silver eyes again. Yet he kept failing. And all the more painful his little defeats were, that he could see in those stunning silver eyes so much of something he wasn't able to recognize but knew very well he wouldn't even want to. When they were gazing into his eyes, boring into him, he always saw a hint of shadow creeping behind the sparkles of joy. There used to be times when he could look Scorpius in the eyes and all he would see was joy. He used to be able to always ignite joy in the boy and it was making him the happiest person in the world. He loved seeing his best friend happy, he loved that he always had that effect on him- just like Scorpius himself had on Al. But now, since some time, whenever he looked in those eyes, he saw something dark in them. It was like heavy clouds that the warmth and light of sun couldn't break through; it was like those silvery-blue depths he felt himself drowning into everytime he looked his friend in the eyes, had been tainted with some toxic substance. The soft smile now always seemed to be hiding a shadowy, unsettling mystery. Al knew Scorpius too well to not see that something in the way the boy was responding to his proximity had changed. He couldn't be sure if what stayed behind that were his feelings towards Scorpius which the blond could see in the way Al looked at him, but if it was the reason of the sudden cold creeping into their friendship, he deeply wished he could just kill the feelings and get back to what they used to be. 

That would be so much better than what they had now. Cause with what they had now, Al felt like it was just a matter of time for them to eventually split. And he dreaded this more than anything. The thought was his personal dementor- sucking him out of his will to live.  
If he lost Scorpius, he would lose himself completely.  
He couldn't let that happen.  
He wouldn't let that happen. 

If only Scorpius didn't know him so well, the task would already be so much easier. But Scorpius was always extremely observant (correction: most of the times) and when it came to Al- his best friend, the person he knew almost like the back of his hand- he was able to read him nearly like an open book.  
However, the situation that occured a few months ago was very new to both of them, and for the first time Scorpius had to admit that when it comes to this particular _book_ , he doesn't understand its language as well as he used to.  
Maybe he had something important to learn about his best friend. And if so, he'd better managed to do it soon; otherwise, their paths could actually split...  
Neither of them wanted that to happen.

**Author's Note:**

> An idea came to my mind and... well, I wrote THIS. Kinda weird and boring, I know, but I thought I could share it nevertheless.  
> Maybe I'll write a continuation... But: maybe. I'm not sure yet. So far, then, it is what it is.  
> Let me know what you think!  
> PS: English wasn't my first language, so any mistakes are totally unintentional- if you see any, please, let me know.


End file.
